Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm struggling with contentment right now. I know there are lots of factors at work, but because I know them doesn't seem to make it better.

I know that the weather has alot to do with it. I'm sitting in a sweatshirt right now on June 2. Two nights ago we had to turn the heater on. I haven't been warm in months and months. I still feel trapped in this house, although I'm not as trapped as I was for six months over the winter. I can't just jump out of bed throw on some clothes and take off to the park with the kids. I don't know hwat clothes to put on them becasue I don't know how cold it is outside...in JUNE. You should not have to layer in JUNE.

I know that us not having friends has alot to do with it. We have twoish friends, really. Our next door neighbors whose youngest is 16 and the only one at home. Our pastors family, the Lohnes, whose youngest is 12 and all the kids are in school or busy. It's not like I can call them up and say, hey want to just blow life off today and go hang out and let the kids run wild. Or just let the kids run wild in the back yard and chill with a coffee looking all yucky and gross and not worried about it because we are such good friends that we don't care.

I know our upcoming trip has alot to do with it. I'm already sad that I'm not going to really get to hang out with my friends as much as I want while I am there. And that I"m going to have to leave to come back.

I know that our house still not selling has alot to do with it. I just haven't settled because I just don't know how long we will live in this house. When we can buy a house, I can at least start learning some local spots that can be ours but I don't know when or exactly where those will be. I'm just still really unsettled here.

I know that worrying about the government coming after me for almost every one of our parenting practices has alot to do with it. I'm just not comfortable with these liberal officials here that think they should have more say over my children than me and that would have no problem coming after me over issues they should have no say in. I want freedom back, not fear.

I know that I am probably hormonal and that has alot to do with it. But that doesn't make it any better either.

I know all of these things. I also know that God has me exactly where he wants me and that he is doing a good work in me. And I know that I am grateful for that. I wonder if this will ever feel like home. I don't know if I want it too. But we are here for the long haul. Robert has been blessed with a great job and a great growth environment in a great company. This is where we are supposed to be, I just wish it felt like it for me.

1 comment:

Debbie said...

I can completely relate to this!!
Love you comrade. Debbie